Ever since entering polytechnic, I've come to distrust the relationships form between men. Backstabs, betrayals and even to use each relationship to one's utmost benefit are things that I've seen from people who enter and go in my life as a student. While here I am standing as a Year 3 student and about to leave the school, I think back and reflect where has gone wrong in my polytechnic life that I suffer so much from the effects of human usage, as I call it – where one only thinks of himself/herself and utilises all connections he/she has to gain what he/she wants.
While this is out in the society, a portion of the distrust, surprisingly, comes from home. Yes it may be shocking but seemingly the people in my family are measuring a value of a person in monetary terms. Both my parents are like that – supporting a child in education not because it is to the child's benefit but is so that when the child enters the working world, he/she can feed the parents' human greed for luxury. And when the child is unable to satisfy the ugly human craving, he/she will then be term as "useless", or worst, labelled as "unfilial", a word that can be easily spread amongst aunties, neighbours and even your own family.
To be honest, I am so sick and tired of these. And sometimes when the stress boils down, mini thoughts of suicide are floating at the top of my head (though all the time I just kick it away with excuses such as I still want to stay with a special someone for a very long time or I have not seen DB5K on stage yet). It makes me feel alone, as if no one really cares if I fail in life or if I'm being tugged and squeezed into bits and pieces. All everyone cares is just themselves and themselves.
(On another note, for those who don't know why the hell I idolise Junsu and DBSK so much, it is because they gave me strength and my dream. If not for them, I would probably not go to a design school and survive it.)
This world revolves around money so much – exactly the reason why I'm so frustrated at the moment, and why my parents judge me as their daughter. Yes, I am not studying right now, I am not applying to any universities this year, but that doesn't mean that I am currently withering my life away and wasting one year's opportunity to increase my human monetary value. I need to stress to so many people SO MUCH that I am not wasting one year of my life right now. I have so many things I want to do still, so many things I want to learn, and essentially I felt I needed a year's break from studies to pull myself up to a higher level, whether in terms of skills to learn, human relations or anything. I really don't get why people carry a negative comment when I say that I've missed the application period of university application.
Lots of people do not know what I've gone through during my Final Year Project period. Lots, almost all I could say, except for my schoolmates certainly. Have you seen me broke down and cried buckets of tears every other hour? Have you heard about me saying to my lecturer that I wanted to give up? Have you known that I skipped all meals when it comes to the day for submission? Have you seen me stayed up in wee hours at night doing my project, sometimes to the extent of not sleeping for a week? Or have you known that the minute I woke up, all I worried was my project and there I went immediately facing the computer for almost 24 hours? Hell, it was a nightmare; this was an understatement. All of you view too easily. Therefore when I said I do not have time for university application, I FUCKING MEANT IT. I'm not busy for one or two days or a week, I am busy for a MONTH. And it's the crucial month where production for perfection begins. Or maybe you think preparation of the application takes one day, that's why you pinpoint my laziness and thoughtlessness for wasting one year.
Though I really do not want to care much for this group for people for not understanding me, I can't help but do because these people are the closest to me yet they say the harshest words ever. This makes me even more skeptical of what makes up the world today. Is it just all the bad people and money? I really don't know now.
Maybe at this point of time I need to say, "stop using me to benefit", "stop judging me", "stop mentioning about money", "stop saying I'm wasting one year right now", and the list goes on. Yes, I can be kind, but please do not come find me only when you have requests and disappear when I fulfilled them. Yes, I can share my plans with you, but please do not use them for your own future. Yes, I am tired, that's why I'm giving myself a break from 3 years of hard work. Yes, I'm poor, that's why I'm desperately finding jobs and fixing my portfolio right now. Though I'm at home most of the time right now, I am doing the stuff I need to do for Diploma Show and for work search. I am not lazing around.
So you may see why I even bother to type out a long essay on myself, and my share on human relations right now. How much I've endured in this period of time, without having anyone to listen (not share your views with me as well) and understand my situation in school and family. Well, if you do and are reading this, then I thank you. But I doubt most don't because if you do, you wouldn't have shared your heartbreaking views with me or act with judgments in mind in the first place.
Nothing changes though. What can change? I still find it hard to trust people, humans still hurt and judge each other, opinions are still individualistic.
And the point of this long essay stands at just expressing myself and relieving the stress that I have.
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