The two dates that are clearly etched in my mind – 29 April 2010 and 1 May 2010 – those were the dates that I saw Junsu for the first and last time respectively.
It has been almost 4 years and somehow I'm really surprised at myself that I still have the same amount of passion for this man now as compared to the past. To him who gave me so much strength, courage and most importantly my dream, the least I could do is just to give him back the same amount of encouragement if there is an opportunity.
And there it is, an opportunity. A golden opportunity. A fucking golden opportunity which I had to give away.
To be honest, this is the first time I gave up something I wanted so badly just for the comfort of others. I don't even know if they even appreciated it. In the past, it's either I get it myself or fate, luck, or whatever you called it, gave it to me. But now...... this whole syndrome of self-pity just falls down so badly and I really felt so bad for myself, for being so powerless to do want I want and get what I desire.
The purpose of the Japan trip sparked out from something very simple – Tohoshinki's concert – as well as to celebrate my 22nd birthday in the way I am confident that I would enjoy the most. Yet I gave up so many things just to accommodate – Design Festa in Tokyo, opportunity to go to Kyoto/Osaka, design cafes and most importantly, Junsu's BALLAD (ugh god it's BALLAD. JUNSU AND BALLAD.) concert. Every time I think about this matter, my mind will just repeat the words, "it's Junsu." And it hurts so much to mentally answer myself, "I know", and then let it go.
(Junsu should stay in musicals. He sounds better there.)
As I sigh and sigh, I can only hope that the "others" don't rub salt onto my wound again and again, for I fucking gave away the opportunity to meet the man I love so much just for them.
...And I guess the two dates mentioned above will be even more treasured in my memory now.
PS: I feel so tempted to post this on Facebook and let the "others" know how I feel. Ugh god.
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